Here we go, another lesson in my favorite topic (insert sarcasm here!).......

Humility!

Just when I thought I was getting the hang of self-confidence, being self aware and not getting too haughty, I find myself sitting in the dirt wondering where I've gone wrong! Actually it was a picnic table with tear filled eyes, afraid to talk to anyone for fear of outright crying, until I was able to compose myself to the whole situation. Here I am an adult (age dictates this) and I can't help but feel so totally abandoned, but not by anyone except myself. I did this, I put myself in this position. There is no one responsible for this outcome except me! To make it all worthwhile I have to find the lesson in it as to not see the whole thing as a waste of time, effort, money, effort, and time!

So the story goes....

Last year I read a book and found out about a whole new world of running. Some of it was about minimalism in foot wear, a bit of spirituality, camaraderie, and the world of ultra running. I am convinced that this is something meant for me to try. Why? Mostly I feel that it is because I cannot run fast, so I wonder how far I could go. That was August of 2009, which initially was more about loosing interest in the typical running shoe, but then leads into finding out more and more about the ultra runs. It sounds so incredible to even think that running farther than a marathon would be on a list of things to do, but it is on mine. It still sounds incredible to me because I had the opportunity and I blew it! Going in with a wrong attitude will do this to me each and every time!

I began exploring the worlds of ultras on line, reading blogs and following up on some of the neat names there are; Pick your Poison, Dirty Girls, Vulture Bait (I fell in love with its' name and had to go), and so many others. So in the early summer G and I decided we would sign up and go in the fall, we had several months to train (ad hoc train as we have families) and there was a marathon before to keep us looking forward. We worked hard and were able to overcome many obstacles in our path along the journey. We dragged our families on a road trip to Alberta for a run, we fit in training, we found and ran a marathon along the way, all to get ready for Vulture Bait!

Three weeks ago G was not feeling well, found out 5 days before our first 50km ultra (all trail) that she had pneumonia, and with her antibiotics in hand she (and her awesome and very supportive husband) were going to come down and cheer us (my husband and myself) on. Deciding to run the first half of the first 25km loop, we had a great time on trail. B had up and went on his quick merry way, and we mosied at a nice pace which left us tripping over tree roots and rocks. Of course as we would almost fall, bruised our feet, and sometimes did hit the ground, we found it all interesting and amusing. G ran almost 8 miles to find her husband along the route ready to get her off the trail, so as not to injure her lungs, commenting that this run is an automatic do-over next year! On I ran, making sure to keep my eyes on the ground. The next 5 miles I was just trying to keep my form together, picking up my feet instead of swinging them forward because there were many hidden tree roots and rocks that jutted out of the ground, but were covered in leaves and so you didn't see any of them. I found it hard to look for the trail and keep my eyes on the pathways, but it was something that I became better at as I went along. I found myself hitting the ground at 9.2 miles, and was happily suprised that I hadn't hurt myself too badly, just a bit of dirt on the knees and hands. It was a few miles later I think I lost 'it'. I saw that at 13.1 miles I was over the time I had wanted to be at, as a matter of fact I was sitting at my worst half marathon time ever! Including Pincher Creek! By ten minutes!!! To make it even worse somewhere between the 13.1 mile and the 15.7 mile (halfway) I slowed down enough that I did not make the cut off time and was pulled from continuing. I thought about just going out on my own, but when the chip timer came off my leg it was like I had just been stuck with a pin and all the desire to continue went out of me, I was deflated! The only other time I had felt like this was last winter when we had been getting ready for an interesting run across lake Winnipeg that was cancelled the night before the run because the weather was too nice. Trying to accomplish a goal for a new distance was so difficult, I was deflated, but because there were others I found that I went, and ran, accomplishing the goal of distance (our first 17 miler). Here I couldn't, actually I thought that I was alright for a moment, then it really hit me, I had so much more in me and no where to put it. Where did I loose my head? More importantly, where did I loose my heart along the trail?

G always comments on how my head is in the right place for these things, as I find my strength in my faith. I like to rely on God for the strength that I don't have, and He gets the credit for the strength that I do have, for without Him I have nothing. I had so many things going on that I left my spirit out of this run, and it cost me a finish. This is my first DNF.

I found myself going into this run feeling completely prepared (for the distance) as I had read that to complete your first ultra you should have 3 full marathons under your belt. I had this, 1st in may, my 2nd in June and my 3rd in September, I was ready, especially as my 3rd was 6 min better that the 2 previous times, gotta love speed work. I had all my supplies, electrolyte juice, gels...... forgot to take my spirit along.

Isaiah 2:12 The Lord Almighty has a day in store for all the proud and lofty, for all that is exalted (and they will be humbled)......2:17 The arrogance of man will be brought low and the pride of men humbled; the Lord alone will be exalted in that day......2:22 Stop trusting in man, who has put a breath in his nostrils. Of what account is he?

This probably wouldn't stand out so much, but in bible study this is a passage I had just finished going over. The pride of men who wanted to not be bothered with God, wanted to trust in themselves, or each other. Isn't it ironic? Now I hate to admit to this, as I have only gone as far as mentioning to a couple who know me well, but my arrogance got the better of me and just before my pride was brought low, a foolish comment went through my head, "thanks Lord for meeting me here, I've just done the first half, the rest is up to You..." Can you see where I went wrong? I had tried to do this on my own! I had left my very heart at home. I have been humbled, and in this lesson, I have found my heart again. I plan to take it with me, with every one of my steps along the road. If I keep it close, and hold on tight to it, I will hopefully not put it down again to leave it behind.

It has been two weeks and I have struggled to find the reasoning behind my loss of strength, and it has been a hard lesson to face, but that is all. So now I'm looking forward to the next one, the one I will pack my spirit for, the one where I will rely fully on God to get me to and through. As a parent disciplines its children they also give comfort.

Isaiah 49:13 Shout for joy, O heavens; rejoice, O earth; burst into song, O mountains! For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.

So I will take my pride, all battered and bruised, and I will put it to rest; I will leave it alone to hopefully dry up and shrivel into nothing, remembering that I can do nothing without my God. And when I forget this, I will once again experience the lesson that will bring me back to where I need to be, closer to my Father.

With that I will give thanks to my Lord for the awesome experience of travelling with my awesome husband, for the time we had together, for the longest trail run I have ever accomplished, for the experience of that trail (almost spelled trial here?) for a now healthy running partner, and of course for the well being of my children and family who took care of them while we were gone.

Have a great weekend!