Age and time

Well here I am, 39! I’m pretty excited to get here and I am really and truly looking forward to this next year.  Today I have been thinking about the people in my life, goals, deadlines, past, present and future;, things I have accomplished, stuff I would like to accomplish. There are so many things I would like to do and teach to my kids, and it seems there is so little time to get these things done in. We are really geared to the now, the immediate gratification, and the time of the clock.

I have always been a person of the clock. I have a difficult time being late, not on time, behind everyone else (with the exception of when I run). I like schedules, as a matter of fact, I live in schedules; I call them plans. A few years ago you couldn’t mess with my plans without a terrible repercussion, which would be my temper tantrum. I felt like my life would unravel in front of me as my nicely laid plan for the day would fall off the paper I had spent the evening before preparing, and lay at my feet in a mess. I wouldn’t know what to do with the rest of the day, or how to even start to refigure the PLAN for the day if my husband threw a wrench into my day. The wrench could have been I needed the car, and so did he for work (which always trumped my need for the car), or an extra errand that I didn’t have on my current plan. Admittedly it was a little neurotic (and still am in other ways), but this is how I felt it had to be at the time to get everything accomplished, and I felt it was a failure if I was unable to attend to all these things in my plan. Maybe I felt I was a failure without these accomplishments? I look back now and see how my thinking was wrong.

My Lord and my husband have been such a great help with this, as my hubby threw many wrenches into my plans over the years, and I had the Lord there to teach me how to adapt. My husband is very patient and I am grateful for him, he has the ability to let things go and let them roll off his back. I have also learned over these years how his ability to adapt to the changing schedules placed in front of him are skills I have reluctantly learned, and can now appreciate. I find it interesting how God teaches me these lessons, even if they are painful, as stretching and growing often is. Tonight I was sitting and reflecting how far I feel I have come in this area, as I finished making my plan for the day, adding a few side notes to things that I could do or not do. Realizing that if I get this day accomplished I would feel good, but if something else arises that was more pertinent, I would be fine to go and do that as well and, more importantly, my day will not crash on the floor at my feet.

After this reflection I decided to have a moment and read. “The rest of God, restoring your soul by restoring the Sabbath” by Mark Buchanan is currently on my night side table (or in my purse) as I am re-reading this awesome book. In the early part of the book the author talks about time and its’ Greek origin. Did you know that they have two words to describe time? I have read this book before and only now am I recognizing this. One word is chronos; this is the time of our clocks and calendar. The word derives from a Greek god who was a minor deity who gorges himself on his own children; he is always consuming and never accomplishes anything. The author gives such a description of art work depicting this deity that it reflects the direness of how I would structure my plan, and still only accomplish the outside shell of what would really need to get done.

This other Greek word is kairos. “This is time as gift, as opportunity, as season. It is pregnant with purpose. In kairos time you ask not ‘What time it is?’ but ‘What is this time for?’…. ‘There is a time for everything.’ Ecclesiastes says, ‘and a season for every activity under heaven.’”pg36

What a difference in viewing time. Tonight this is just what I needed; to see how far I have come, to glimpse how far I have to go.  In a conversation I had the other day I listened to someone talking about ‘Mexican time’. I have never been to Mexico, so it was explained to me that it is not as important to some that the time of the clock dictates to them what needs to be done and when. I have also heard this in reference to places like Jamaica, and other island nations. Here in Canada I have heard many times people say this about or First Nations and here its’ called “Aboriginal time”. Until tonight I have found this term insulting. Now, with a new perspective, I see this as a gift. This gives me insight that I don’t yet have this ability to stop and ask “what is this time for?” not “what time is it?” Prioritizing what is REALLY important, no matter what the clock says. I think that I have been slowly learning this and am grateful that I can recognize the importance of the lesson. I find its’ always nice to know that there has been purpose to the pain of growing.

So I do look forward to this year, and one more goal will be to recognize what Gods’ been teaching me about His time. Yes, I will put that into my plan for the day! (there is still so much for me to learn)

where did the village go?

Parenting..... this is an experience that you can't ever really prepare for. All the babysitting in the world can not prepare you for the sleepless nights, the crying fits, the temper tantrums, the snuggles, kisses, night terrors, and so many other things I haven't even touched on. I believe that there was a time in our society where we really learned from each other, mothers would get together and sew, quilt, bake or do some kind of activity while their children played, fought and learned to get along. Moms got to learn from each other, as well as their elders and the kids were sufficiently socialized to later be let loosed on the society of the times.

Today we all seem to be working so much that no-one has enough time to get together with the kids much less with each other to do anything that could be seen as stress relieving, or as learning! We feel like we have to do it all on our own. There was a saying at one time "It takes a village to raise a child" My best girlfriend once said this to me, then looked up and said "I consider you part of my village!" From there on we have been able to talk to each other a bit more openly and we have been able to correct each others children when out and about or just around. You see, if my child is doing something that is wrong, hurtful, or dangerous, I am hoping that if I don't see it directly that someone may point it out to me so|I am able to teach them why it is wrong etc. I also hope that other adults would take it upon themselves to do the same, in a constructive manner of course. Seeing my 11 year old climb to the top of a play structure and proceed to climb over the top could be dangerous, someone else suggesting to him that it may not be in his best interest to proceed with, or pointing out that we don't want smaller children to learn this would be an expectation of mine. Or someone asking if that was my kid who was about to fall off the top of the structure would also be another expectation. But this is not the current accepted behaviour of our society these days.

Actually today it seems like we prefer to judge and whisper about each other than try to be of any assistance. Or we are too embarrassed to admit that we have run out of ideas as to what to do next when we are frustrated. We really don't understand teamwork as a society, but boy can we pull the carpet out from under each other.

I find it interesting how as we have moved into our nuclear family units we have disconnected our selves even more from each other. Now we have even more separating us from each other as we find ourselves not needing any real contact from others with all the technology which keeps "connected" to each other. This technology I think is very deceiving, as we think we are connected, to only find ourselves really secluded in our lives.

Today it is interesting to find out that children are out on the play structures at school and they are all doing their own thing. No one knows how to play TOGETHER. At some schools the teachers are actually having to teach the kids how to play games like hopscotch and 4 square. I wonder where this may lead in the future as we watch our kids grow up. Currently I recognize my role as the mom to help my kids see that other people matter, they need to look around and see where they can help out, where they can be the friend to another, where they can be the village.

Tomorrow is a new day and I get excited as I get to go out and into my community and see it as MY village. In my village I will have the chance to be the person who will help out, be the friend someone needs, or just be where God puts me. If I want the village to exist I will have to make it my own. hmmmmmm, Welcome to my world!

Here we go, another lesson in my favorite topic (insert sarcasm here!).......

Humility!

Just when I thought I was getting the hang of self-confidence, being self aware and not getting too haughty, I find myself sitting in the dirt wondering where I've gone wrong! Actually it was a picnic table with tear filled eyes, afraid to talk to anyone for fear of outright crying, until I was able to compose myself to the whole situation. Here I am an adult (age dictates this) and I can't help but feel so totally abandoned, but not by anyone except myself. I did this, I put myself in this position. There is no one responsible for this outcome except me! To make it all worthwhile I have to find the lesson in it as to not see the whole thing as a waste of time, effort, money, effort, and time!

So the story goes....

Last year I read a book and found out about a whole new world of running. Some of it was about minimalism in foot wear, a bit of spirituality, camaraderie, and the world of ultra running. I am convinced that this is something meant for me to try. Why? Mostly I feel that it is because I cannot run fast, so I wonder how far I could go. That was August of 2009, which initially was more about loosing interest in the typical running shoe, but then leads into finding out more and more about the ultra runs. It sounds so incredible to even think that running farther than a marathon would be on a list of things to do, but it is on mine. It still sounds incredible to me because I had the opportunity and I blew it! Going in with a wrong attitude will do this to me each and every time!

I began exploring the worlds of ultras on line, reading blogs and following up on some of the neat names there are; Pick your Poison, Dirty Girls, Vulture Bait (I fell in love with its' name and had to go), and so many others. So in the early summer G and I decided we would sign up and go in the fall, we had several months to train (ad hoc train as we have families) and there was a marathon before to keep us looking forward. We worked hard and were able to overcome many obstacles in our path along the journey. We dragged our families on a road trip to Alberta for a run, we fit in training, we found and ran a marathon along the way, all to get ready for Vulture Bait!

Three weeks ago G was not feeling well, found out 5 days before our first 50km ultra (all trail) that she had pneumonia, and with her antibiotics in hand she (and her awesome and very supportive husband) were going to come down and cheer us (my husband and myself) on. Deciding to run the first half of the first 25km loop, we had a great time on trail. B had up and went on his quick merry way, and we mosied at a nice pace which left us tripping over tree roots and rocks. Of course as we would almost fall, bruised our feet, and sometimes did hit the ground, we found it all interesting and amusing. G ran almost 8 miles to find her husband along the route ready to get her off the trail, so as not to injure her lungs, commenting that this run is an automatic do-over next year! On I ran, making sure to keep my eyes on the ground. The next 5 miles I was just trying to keep my form together, picking up my feet instead of swinging them forward because there were many hidden tree roots and rocks that jutted out of the ground, but were covered in leaves and so you didn't see any of them. I found it hard to look for the trail and keep my eyes on the pathways, but it was something that I became better at as I went along. I found myself hitting the ground at 9.2 miles, and was happily suprised that I hadn't hurt myself too badly, just a bit of dirt on the knees and hands. It was a few miles later I think I lost 'it'. I saw that at 13.1 miles I was over the time I had wanted to be at, as a matter of fact I was sitting at my worst half marathon time ever! Including Pincher Creek! By ten minutes!!! To make it even worse somewhere between the 13.1 mile and the 15.7 mile (halfway) I slowed down enough that I did not make the cut off time and was pulled from continuing. I thought about just going out on my own, but when the chip timer came off my leg it was like I had just been stuck with a pin and all the desire to continue went out of me, I was deflated! The only other time I had felt like this was last winter when we had been getting ready for an interesting run across lake Winnipeg that was cancelled the night before the run because the weather was too nice. Trying to accomplish a goal for a new distance was so difficult, I was deflated, but because there were others I found that I went, and ran, accomplishing the goal of distance (our first 17 miler). Here I couldn't, actually I thought that I was alright for a moment, then it really hit me, I had so much more in me and no where to put it. Where did I loose my head? More importantly, where did I loose my heart along the trail?

G always comments on how my head is in the right place for these things, as I find my strength in my faith. I like to rely on God for the strength that I don't have, and He gets the credit for the strength that I do have, for without Him I have nothing. I had so many things going on that I left my spirit out of this run, and it cost me a finish. This is my first DNF.

I found myself going into this run feeling completely prepared (for the distance) as I had read that to complete your first ultra you should have 3 full marathons under your belt. I had this, 1st in may, my 2nd in June and my 3rd in September, I was ready, especially as my 3rd was 6 min better that the 2 previous times, gotta love speed work. I had all my supplies, electrolyte juice, gels...... forgot to take my spirit along.

Isaiah 2:12 The Lord Almighty has a day in store for all the proud and lofty, for all that is exalted (and they will be humbled)......2:17 The arrogance of man will be brought low and the pride of men humbled; the Lord alone will be exalted in that day......2:22 Stop trusting in man, who has put a breath in his nostrils. Of what account is he?

This probably wouldn't stand out so much, but in bible study this is a passage I had just finished going over. The pride of men who wanted to not be bothered with God, wanted to trust in themselves, or each other. Isn't it ironic? Now I hate to admit to this, as I have only gone as far as mentioning to a couple who know me well, but my arrogance got the better of me and just before my pride was brought low, a foolish comment went through my head, "thanks Lord for meeting me here, I've just done the first half, the rest is up to You..." Can you see where I went wrong? I had tried to do this on my own! I had left my very heart at home. I have been humbled, and in this lesson, I have found my heart again. I plan to take it with me, with every one of my steps along the road. If I keep it close, and hold on tight to it, I will hopefully not put it down again to leave it behind.

It has been two weeks and I have struggled to find the reasoning behind my loss of strength, and it has been a hard lesson to face, but that is all. So now I'm looking forward to the next one, the one I will pack my spirit for, the one where I will rely fully on God to get me to and through. As a parent disciplines its children they also give comfort.

Isaiah 49:13 Shout for joy, O heavens; rejoice, O earth; burst into song, O mountains! For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.

So I will take my pride, all battered and bruised, and I will put it to rest; I will leave it alone to hopefully dry up and shrivel into nothing, remembering that I can do nothing without my God. And when I forget this, I will once again experience the lesson that will bring me back to where I need to be, closer to my Father.

With that I will give thanks to my Lord for the awesome experience of travelling with my awesome husband, for the time we had together, for the longest trail run I have ever accomplished, for the experience of that trail (almost spelled trial here?) for a now healthy running partner, and of course for the well being of my children and family who took care of them while we were gone.

Have a great weekend!

It takes a village....

So I've been thinking about our western society and how we have grown to live in our nuclear family. When I really consider the history behind how we have gotten to where we are, I feel that it looks like a rebellious child who seems very much like the prodigal son. There was a time where we lived with our extended family, there was a time where we learned from our elders. There was a time where our elders were held in HIGH esteem, and they were respected as wise teachers. Lately I' feel like some where along the way we have really lost this, our throw away society has also started throwing away people. A bit of me has to wonder if the dementia and Alzheimer's issues are coming from the lack of use of the knowledge stored. I know that is not really the way it is, but a part of me wonders as not using a muscle will usually lead to it atrophying.

The saying is "It takes a village to raise a child". I do believe this as I find it helpful when I 'm able to find comfort and advise in friends and mentors who have 'been there done that'. I've been thinking about this allot lately as I have been listening to the struggles of mothers who are turning to 'happy pills' because it is hard to find support for the seemingly 'off the wall' decision to be a stay at home mom. Years ago I remember that moms got together (not just on the computer) and did things with their kids together. Moms got to talk, connect and grow as parents; learn new skills from each other and share experiences, as did the kids who would run off to the park together to play. Currently we don't see as much of this for so many reasons. It sometimes take two incomes to achieve what we think we would like. There is (unfortunately) little value placed where there is no paycheck. As a society (not all of us think this way, but if you ask around it is surprising to see how many do) we value the money that is made, not just as a way to provide for our families, but as the status marker of our self-worth. Sort of sad to think that someone who devotes their time to selfless acts helping others, and who may not get paid for it is most often looked upon as 'not as valuable'.

With a bit of reading I have found it interesting how I've been able to change my paradigm.There have been several books and many conversations over the past year to really get this going, one of which was becoming a minimalist runner. This has led to seeing the need for over-abundance programmed into our lifestyle, the need to consume..... lots! I've been able to really check out what I think my needs really are, put my wants into perspective, and hopefully raise my kids with a bit of a different take on how the world works. Or at least, how it could work.

I am finding it interesting to see that there are other cultures who revere their elders and they live in an extended family where the young adults learn from the experienced ones. This seems especially helpful when there are children involved, as I know my mother was much more patient and relaxed around my children than I am. She was also not shy to call other children on their behaviour when it was necessary and they were about to get themselves hurt. I sometimes wonder if she thought anything about what others might think. Did she care that someone might be offended that she corrected a child that was not hers? I like to think that she didn't, that she was strong enough in her convictions of what is right that it would not matter to her what others thought. (I still live in my own little bubble sometimes!) I want to see this in myself, I want to be that person who would get involved. There are a few close friends where we can correct each others children, but I think I can remember a time where I would have been afraid if ANY adult was around that I would get in trouble. This doesn't seem to be a concern for today's children at all.

As our society seems to be developing we are pulling away from each other and are connecting less and less physically with each other. There was a time where we bought our food from the farmer, meet from a butcher, and so on. This year was the first time I had done so many things, bought food from the farmer at the farmers market, went to a butcher to find meet, bought meet from a farmer at the farmers market. I found it interesting that there are people who can attach me to my food, not just a store that I can go and not even see a person at the check out if I don't want to. So much 'connecting' is done 'online' that there doesn't need to be any real relationship made between those communicating. Not in a way that keeps us accountable. It is done in a way that keeps us from getting involved. When we are not involved and not accountable are we not responsible?

I was listening to a sermon this past week at found a passage from the time of the early church where people are living in a community closely enough that they are often eating together (probably in small groups) and sharing all that they have. When one was in need then someone else provided it, even if they had to sell off their own stuff to provide it!

Acts 2:45-46
And they sold their possessions (both their land and their movable goods) and distributed the price among all, according as any had need. And day after day they regularly assembled in the temple with united purpose, and in their homes they broke bread [including the Lords' Supper]. They partook of their food with gladness and simplicity and generous hearts,

That seems like a pretty awesome family support system. I like to see the part where they eat with gladness, which tells me they are really enjoying their food, they are eating consciously, and this is not what we seem to do today with our food and sometimes even with our living. Being aware of our choices take purposeful thought about what we are doing and why we are doing it. It is interesting to me that I can go through a day where I've done things on auto-pilot. Again, something to learn from and be aware of.

Of course now I seem to have rambled enough I should finally post this to hold myself accountable to the thoughts that invade my brain.

on to the run!

I have been told that to weigh a decision, you should use peace as your measure. After signing up for the run this weekend, I have been at peace. The turmoil about whether this was the right thing to do or not has come to an end, I am very much looking forward to trying to accomplish this distance once again. Apparently there are only 4 days to go!

So onto other things, like getting that peace in other parts of my life.

Fear, trust, & a control freak

I'm facing, fear I think? It is interesting the opportunities that arise, doors that open, and all the like phrases. Disappointment of not being able to run a race that I had planned seems to have taken my training and made it a bit less important in the scheme of life priorities. Now an opportunity has presented itself, and I may be able to run after all.

If I trust in my faith and the strength that I know will come from above, than I have nothing to fear. Lately trust is something that has been evasive. Maybe I am finding it hard to trust so much in God's hands, I am a bit of a control freak. I know He can handle it all, but it is so very hard to give it over. There is so much going on, and yet nothing is really happening, but not much can happen until some decisions are made and I don't think the requirements have been met for any decision to be made yet.... limbo seems to describe it well. The waiting, and not being in control of anything. This is one of those lessons I think I'm to be learning. Personally I think I'm doing well with this one, considering I'm a bit of a control freak. So here is what I will hold onto this weekend:

Proverbs 3:5 "Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding." 3:6"In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths."

So I have signed up for the run I had resigned myself to not run (I was supporting my husbands need to get in the marathon run), and I will rely on Gods' strength to get me through to the finish. I will no longer question 'why' the opportunity has presented itself, I will just be thankful and say yes. I will be very thankful!

Have a great weekend everyone!

So out on my run this morning I had some different thoughts, which seemed to make sense at the time. Now that I have the time to try and write them down, I'm hoping they still continue to make sense.

Thinking back to the beginning of the world, Adam and Eve. (Yes it's gonna be one of those ramblings) They get kicked out of the garden for disobedience, just that pure and simple. They disobeyed God. Given everything, they chose to not listen to the instruction given. They get everything, want for nothing, and yet after a simple planting of an idea, they suddenly seem to want more, actually they want for the one thing they are instructed they should not have. Hm mm, I think too much of this sounds too familiar! Obedience is something I think we, I, will struggle with for too long a time. This got me to thinking about a few other things though...

Food, yes, the food we eat.

Genesis 1:29-30 Then God said, "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground- everything that has the breath of life in it- I give every green plant for food." And it was so.

Everything we need was given to us. God has provided for us what we need, and in our greed we cry out for more. (In the beginning it was the promise of knowledge that led to the choice of disobedience) Then later, in our greed, we have hoarded our food and resources, not sharing with our neighbours (other countries). Not even sharing medicines which are in abundance for some and for others it is scarce.

When Adam and Eve get kicked from the garden they then had to provide for themselves, God of course had made sure that they were given all the things they needed to provide for themselves, they just had to work for it now. This carries us to the present where we have done everything in the western world to make our lives easier. This also includes our food and how we choose to eat these days.

We have created for ourselves the busy lifestyles to provide for our families. What are we providing for our families? This is something that has recently been on my mind. Aside from the basics of food (what we now are calling food), clothing, and shelter, there are so many other things we have stuffed into the need category that are really wants. First I think I will return to the food. We are feeding ourselves and our families stuffs that our great grandparents would never recognize. So many things are processed that many kids don't know what some vegetables look like. I am in such a hurry to get to the next place, to do the next thing, that I am feeding my family in the car (there have been too many pizza picnics in the car this year), eating has become so much less than what it was. There is no cooking and eating as a family anymore (for the majority of our western society). There are lessons not being passed down from one generation to another because we are relying on technology to fill the gaps. Who needs to cook with MC Donald's around the corner? Or there is always the local pizzas place, (there are two specifically that we, as a family, frequent). As kids these were novelties, now they are the norm.

My eyes were really opened this year on our summer vacation, as I had the chance to sit and talk with my sister we discovered that our mother didn't know how to eat much better either. She thought that she was eating healthy, diet everything, low fat everything and she would really watch her portions; yet she remained overweight. Here we were a few years after our mom's death and we are in a discussion about our eating habits, and what we learned from our mom. In retrospect we see how her baking was allot from scratch, with a whole lot of white flour and white processed sugar, and many of our dinners came from the boxed or canned meals or time saver meal making things. I find this interesting because I'm wondering where my homemaking skills are. I'm a terrible homemaker! Although I am learning, very slowly, as to what needs to be changed in our family lifestyle for our household to work; in a healthy way. My sister also discovered that she also needed to make some changes over the past few years as well. Her changes also came in the form of foods and healthy fresh choices. This takes time though! To purchase a fresh vegetable you then need to go home, chop, and cook it. This is a lost art for many, and I am one of them. With all the running around though it is hard to find the time to MAKE our food, to sit and have a meal with each other, to even get to the store to get the food in the first place. Asparagus was cooked in my home for the very first time this year, as well as beets.

One of the books that I found hard to read this year was Michael Poland's' "In Defence Of Food". This was an amazing book which has started my journey into a new though pattern when it comes to the food I am eating and feeding to my family. The way I see labels on our food now is read completely differently, and I am more likely to read the ingredients than just the so-called nutrition label. Nutrition on the whole is now viewed differently after this book. I have also found "The Eat Clean Diet" by Tosca Reno to be helpful, and "Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution" (by Jamie Oliver) also to help me down this road of actual food and not just 'imitation foods'.

Now just to take a small break and connect this up with some earlier thoughts, I want to be aware of where my info comes from, and if it is correct, then it should check along side the beliefs set out in the Bible. Truth is truth.

Proverbs 20:17 "Food gained by fraud tastes sweet to a man, but he ends up with a mouthful of gravel"

I have started to view the genetically modified foods as fraudulent, definitely sweet, not sure about the gravel in my mouth (hard, dry, salty, unsatisfying) but I would say that it does not do well in my stomach. As I think back to all the foods that were once considered 'imitation' foods I wonder how we have accepted them into our everyday lives. Then I think about what I'm going to feed my family tonight as we have sports to be at and I will need to return to work, and there is a window of 20 minutes where we will sit and eat, and I answer this question as I pick up the phone and call to order the pizza for dinner. The process of changing one's lifestyle is a journey which will take more time than I would like and efforts that have yet to be discovered, the process of changing one's FAMILY lifestyle will be an adventure of unknown challenges. Although that is what it is going to take to keep my kids growing healthy, both physically and spiritually.

After all these books, I have come to the conclusion that they seem to hold up well in their information to lead me towards a Truth. I am going to try to use a personal standard of the Bible as a guide to make decisions by when I look into how the best possible way it is that I can change my families lifestyle to. Baby steps to start on the new road, hoping to not get sidetracked along the way.

It has become very interesting how our education has been directed towards the process of consuming, more than it has towards caring. Our foods are marketed as healthy and whole, quick and easy, when really they are not as healthy or whole. They have been pieced together for us with a little nutrition added, a vitamin here a mineral there. I find it an awakening to be able to view what I have been taught, (still relating to foods here) as wrong information. It is freeing to find out there are so many other options for how we can raise our families, how we will feed them. The social norm does not have to be our norm, and there are others out there. We don't have to consume as machines droning on in our activities of everyday, we can enjoy the journey, stopping to take the time to make things as simple (actually not so simple for some of us) as cooking dinner together an event, not just a process of consuming.

So here's to life and living to the fullest of our days.